Boys Don't Cry

I am not a crier. I don’t think it is because I want to be portrayed as Mr. Tough Guy, but more so because I am so out of touch with my emotions that I just don’t even know how to cry. I link crying to sorrow, sadness, death. I never really understood “tears of joy”. After taking the time out to think about it, I found that this presents an even bigger issue than the physical act of crying. I figured out that I am so far removed from my emotional being that I don’t allow myself to feel.

They say you have to go through it to get to it. I have spent years getting through shit, but missed the lessons as I didn’t take the scenic route while getting to “through”. I have never allowed myself to sit in my misery and have a pity party. I haven't had that moment, where I shaved my head and took an umbrella to a car window. And while that is extreme, we all have breaking points. It is imperative to have that moment when we stop lying to ourselves and admit that we are not okay.

Well; I am not okay.

This is probably the most vulnerable I will ever be. So much so, I am not even sure that I can find the strength to post this. As of now I am writing as an outlet, not as a means of blogging.

For years now I have been in love with someone. But what is the perfect person if it is the wrong time? We have played a game of cat and mouse, and I have been both the mouse and the cat. It just never seemed to work, romantically. Luckily for us, distance stood in the way, so we never acted on what sexual desires that may have once existed. Therefore, we were able to build and maintain a strictly platonic relationship. Our bond is so strong, literally my bestie, a soulmate even. We speak daily, finish one another’s sentences, know which buttons to push to get the reaction we desire and can make each other laugh until it hurts. Most recently we even adopted one another’s friends. Our lives our intertwined and I pretty much rely on our daily interactions to make it through to the next 24.

Everything is great, right? I not only have a friend in Jesus, but I have an angel on earth. Wrong! In being vulnerable I have admitted to myself that although we have placed each other in the friend zone there are far too many emotions involved. But that is not the sole problem, my bestie is currently in a relationship, and up until some weeks ago I too was involved.

There are so many complications. The most recent trigger was being told that my friend would be taking their boyfriend home for the holidays. I was crushed. Devastated. It felt like a ton of bricks were dropped on my chest. But bigger than that, I was sad. As a “friend” I should be happy for my “friend”. That is a major step, shows they are moving in the right direction, and seriously in it for the long haul. That reality is what had stricken me with such despair. The realization that I was not happy for them, because I am in love with my friend. Now I am faced with my own truths.

I am terrified that in being vulnerable with myself, I have opened Pandora’s Box. How can I continue to be friends with someone who I am not happy for? This is just the beginning. Moving in together, engagement, marriage and children are all steps people take in relationships. A set of stairs I am unable to climb with them. As their lives continue to grow in unison, I will ultimately be left on the ground floor. The most painful part of this entire situation is that not being able to move past this may mean losing someone that means the world to me. Not a love interest, but my best friend.

So, as I sit here, tears running down my face, all I can think of are the lyrics to Solange’s song, "Where Do We Go":

This used to be ours, this used to be you and I's
What used to be mine
Say your goodbyes
And I don't know where to go
No I don't know where to stay
Where do we go from here?
Do you know?
So where do we go from here?

I am not sure where time will take us, I do not know if this will ultimately be our demise. But one thing I do know for sure, I will forever and always love him.

Signed,

Dunn-Angehlo